Be me. In the milk aisle of a grocery store I’ve never been to before, since I recently moved to the city. A lone kid walks by like most kids do, but this one is different. Much different…

The kid stands next to my cart and opens a glass door to pick out a milk jug. Unsure of which version to take, he begins turning the jugs around to read the nutrition facts. At some point, he must have realized that his phone would showcase the information faster. As a result, he whipped out his phone to consult a robot: “Siri, show me the milkers.” After a brief period of scrolling, he managed to pick up the milk he was looking for. Then, he skipped along on his merry way.

I thought nothing of this at the time.

In my hometown, chocolate milk is placed near the white milk. Not the case here… After I spent a while searching for the chocolate milk selection, I decided to ask a wagie walking by for assistance. Unfortunately, that wagie was POOR and could not understand what I meant by the name of the premium chocolate milk brand I was looking for.

In a moment of quick wit, I decided that I would show the employee a picture of the item I was searching for. I surmised that the wagie would recognize a picture of an object that they themselves could not afford; since Instagram is quite a common past-time among other wagies. Following this realization, I pulled out my phone, centered the screen at the eye-level, then unlocked it.

For those unaware, Apple’s Siri has a feature where you can create an alias for certain words. As an example, I can create an alias for the word “e=mc2” to reference the phrase “Einstein’s Theory of Relativity”. Then, when I interact with Siri, the word “e=mc2” will be replaced with “Einstein’s Theory of Relativity”. What a great feature! Unfortunately, I had forgotten about the time I was testing it; when I aliased the word “milkers” to “big boobies”.

The light from the phone screen plopped into our physical realm. As a reminder, I had unlocked the screen to show the wagie a premium chocolate milk brand. So imagine the surprise on both of our faces as MASSIVE FUCKING TIDDIES popped up on the screen. Then I remembered… That damn kid. I attempted to turn off the phone, but ended up misclicking a nipple. This introduced us to another website with some super stuffed up milkies. Oh no!

Unfortunately, we didn’t find ourselves on just any website. It was one of THOSE. Y’know… The ones with popup ads top, right, left and center. The ones where attempts to view the content results in… Yeah. You Know. In a panic, I pressed the first exit-button — located in the middle of the screen — to no avail, as it only spawned more pages of nonsense. More ads. One featuring honker wonker doinky boinkies. There was no escape.

In an effort to amend the situation, I threw my phone. Not only did this fail, but it failed horrendously. I hit. a pregnant. woman. She started crying. Everyone was looking at us now. My phone — face down — was turned over by an innocent bystander. The screen was emitting a different color, so I thought it worked. We closed all the tabs! YAHOOOOO- Nope. An entire crowd was being subjugated to fabric-stretching, wind-flapping, gravity-welling, sex mounds.

I walked over and thanked the bystander for his time. Then I put the phone in my pocket and walked out of the store in disappointment. I never found the premium chocolate milk brand I was looking for.

Yoinkers…