STOP Tracking Your Money Per Hour

Aug 31, 2022
5 min

I am sure you are familiar with the golden question: The question to end all questions in a hierarchy of wagies in a new social setting. The question that is simultaneously used to posture others while gauging whether you have the upper hand in the relationship. You know the one…

“How much do you make per hour?”

Not only is it immoral, but it’s wrong: It’s wrong and immoral. Yet wagies still have the gall to ask, then get butthurt when the answer doesn’t leave them feeling superior. An old friend from middle school saw me in a grocery store selecting from various premium chocolate milk brands. He decided to walk up to me and start some small talk. Eventually, we got to the question, and that’s when I employed the golden posture.

When it comes to money, I am in the 1%. That goes for height and cock size as well. Not only am I extremely emotionally secure, but also very physically fit and fertile. I’m on track to become the president of the United States. My wife is a super sexy astronaut, and we engage in out-of-this-world sex every night, not to mention her ass is so fat it can be seen from outer space. Yet all you do is read Medium posts on the subway like a chud.

You like that? Being called a fucking chudAnyways.

In utter disbelief, the old friend continued to ask the same question over and over again — out of envy — before he realized that I was physically incapable of answering the question in his $/h format: Stating the amount you earn per hour is only applicable to people who earn a wage. While this may be obvious to some, I’m sure it has opened the door to a number of wagies who forget that thinking is allowed outside of your workplace.

Time Isn’t Money

The idea that money is a function of time is a fallacy. Money buys time, but time is NOT money. In fact, your time is probably worthless. In other words, placing huge amounts of time into a project is not correlated with earning truckloads of money. Instead, you earn money by being valuable to those around you. If your project benefits people beyond its creation, the actual amount of money earned over time is variable, not constant.

Money doesn’t accumulate over time. Not even for wagies. You still have to show up to work every day once you get that six-figure job. A few false moves, and you’re donezo. Checked out. Defunded. Off the books. Yo azz is fired. Now you earn $0, and it doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself and others that you “used to make six figures”. You are worthless.

The rich understand this phenomenon all too well. In fact, it’s this very phenomenon that keeps them steadily stacking commas: If you ain’t growing, you’re slowing. However, a rich person is lucky enough to be disconnected from money-making methods attributing time to money.

Here’s how this can manifest in reality.

A Wealthy Situation

OMG! <insert founder> makes 5 figures per hour!

— Wagie

Step 1. Person starts a business that takes 1000 hours to acquire an investment.

Step 2. 1% of the company is bought for $100,000. Person is now worth $9.9M.

Step 3. Person places 1000 more hours and is still worth $9.9M.

Step 4. 1% of the company is bought for $250,000. Person is now worth $24.5M.

This person “made$12,250 per hour (after making $9,900 per hour). If they realize this value (by selling their equity), it’s likely to devalue their worth. However, they can realize a portion of this worth by taking a loan against their ownership (of the company). As a result, they actually earn however much is placed as collateral to the loan, give or take a few other factors. While this scenario is a simplistic view of what is possible, we can see that time never correlated to an actual amount earned over a set time period.

As a side note, this is why most wagies will never be rich. If you noticed, the founder made “$0/hr” for the first 1000 hours of their venture. The small money wagies were too busy paying bills to afford this. The big money wagies were laughing at the founder’s inability to fund a fucking happy meal. Now he’s worth 12x their entire lifetime worth and counting…

But wait… He only earned $350,000!

Where Does The Rest Of The Money Go?

$350,000 is invested in the business, which may or may not be used as salary. A loan — less than the amount of risk the bank is willing to take — creates money that is placed into the economy. Without the loan, $24,500,000 only exists on paper. Good luck finding a $24.5M loan on $24.5M of empty collateral, though. In other words, $24,150,000 doesn’t exist.

Note that a loan isn’t taxed. You are instead taxed on the Capital Gains Rate when you realize the collateral (equity).

How Is This Situation Leveraged?

Financial leverage is the use of debt (borrowed capital) to undertake an investment or project. Most wagies are exposed to leverage through Credit Cards. The scenario above can be leveraged by taking a loan — which creates money that is placed into the economy — against the equity, then investing the loan back into the company for a higher valuation: It’s a leveraged buyback on steroids. Simply issue equity to raise money for the business to a higher valuation if required.

Just Kidding…

In reality, you need more money than your current valuation to do this because — barring an equivalent growth in revenue — someone will sell your stock at a lower valuation which will devalue the total worth of your ownership (of the company), resulting in a margin call on your loan.

Then, you will go to jail.

Unless… You are the white collared wagie.

How Does This Affect Everyone Else?

If more money is created, it becomes worth less (barring an equivalent increase in demand). This is where the phrase “time is money” fails to be upheld, especially for wagies. Otherwise, the minimum wage wouldn’t require constant revision to keep up with the devaluation of money, called inflation. The significance of this phenomenon is that using the money per time format sets the bar for devaluation over long time frames.

“Why do you want a raise? Back in my day…”

Most importantly, you need to stop thinking about how to make money in terms of time. In doing so, you miss the point of money entirely. You also miss out on a number of opportunities that could make you more money in the long term. Counting cash is like searching for productivity apps: It’s a waste of time. As a wise man once said: Get guap. Don’t stop.

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