Why I Ran Away
This story is an unfinished draft: I plan to complete it once I publish my full story. However, at the current time, I have yet to release my full story. So why am I releasing this draft now?
Recently, I have "run away" from my family. Unfortunately, this also required me to "run away" from everyone else I physically knew. So rather than respond to everyone on why I "ran away", I'm just releasing this unfinished draft for now. And so I don't forget why I ran away.
To reiterate, this story is an incomplete draft that's likely missing some details that will be included once I release my full story. The upcoming SwitchUpCB overhaul involves a complete article review and rewrite, so I will eventually update this story to completion.
A retrospective on the past 22 years.
Grew up with 20 kids by grandmother who beat them on an island, light skin compared to siblings, didn't know his father, his mother won't tell him
- the second time i defended myself with a knife
- grey rage? https://youtu.be/LbzIdxoEI7Y
- "Why are you crying? I'll give you something to cry for" https://youtu.be/pQWvja5XRa4?t=169
My hypothesis is the switch started once we moved to Texas. That is far away from my mom's family and the age at which I'd start getting "spanked". That occurred every year or so until the knife. but he didn't hit my mom.
Basketball… shortness. comments.
Disregard for my dog Sparkie which he sold without asking. I woke up and one day he was gone.
The random teasing or bullying
Smacking and slurping
Abnormal extraneous acting in social situations
Lack of fear (except when using it to control me)
Laughs when real people die on the TV
Inability to keep a job for longer than a few years; Too egotistical to file for unemployment
Laughing at others misfortunes and deaths
Use of Child Labor but unable to accept advice from a child
Failed businesses fumble million dollar house bag, bad business practices, giving money to sell houses
Treating Me like a trophy or retirement option
"If you use credit cards and die, we will have to pay back the money!" false
Treats me like furniture (disrespects my privacy; does not knock; even with people nearby spectrum guy; moves or sells my stuff without asking me; threw away my sisters 10 year journal with the EXCUSE that he "thought it was mine")
No respect for privacy (has to make my bed - when i had one - at random times because people will always be coming over but in reality you have no friends here)
Constant disregard for my quality of life (stomps over the room directly above mine with boots, runs laundry directly next to my room)
Yelling at me in general.
Constant comparison of me and sister ruining our relationship.
- "She only got hit once."
- Higher cost car of her choice before driving license.
- Out of state trip payments
- Less GPA than me
- But at her cost of more social conflicts with father
Constant denial of anything deemed negative (i.e not being poor, except when asking for money)
Gaslighting; stating he didn't beat me. mishandling of funds.
Selling my childhood items - such as pokemon cards, game systems, and more - at a cheap price or giving then away for for free - without asking me.
Let's have a talk… conversation is about selling more things that I use. (Gets scammed on a late paycheck lie, while underselling FMV)
Thinks he knows everything better than me for my age despite him having a bad credit score, declared bankruptcy, and having been audited.
The financial control and manipulative tactics he will use to do it
Doesn't make an effort to talk; commands; food
Always assuming the worst of me
Threatens to remove my phone service
If they do knock, they knock very rapidly while they are opening the door.
Attempting to control me through their fears
- Tow Truck Situation
- Don't go to whataburger (with your own money) for a breakfast burger. You'll get shot by a cop!
- Wasting my time, every time Yet also angry at me grabbing my stuff
- The "car" spot
Attempts to live vicariously through me
Bragging about my "internships" but no conversation about them. Rarely ever conversations that don't involve pointing out my issues
addiction to making noise
AC; always trying to control it when they are only supposed to be in my room for literally a .0x% of the day, move out college apt 3
Randomly changing a set schedule around himself; but angry when it happens by chance
Hours waiting at school when pickup required
99% of his customer service calls are "escalated to a manager"
I don't want to eat chicken or tacos or leftovers for 4 days in row
Sleep deprivation; snoring on trips; running laundry when I try to sleep
Buying food only he likes; carrotcake, but he "bought it for me", and then wanting me to eat tacos or chicken for 6 days in a row; always getting grocery list wrong with no shame
Food Disparity at home vs. 2 meals a day 3 years at college. Gifts junk food and gets annoyed when I decline it
No tracking calories when gym; anti gym stance until external people complimented me
Projection "you always make everything so hard" "you think you know everything"/"got it all figured out"/"you only care about things you want to do!"
"My goal is to never ask Caleb for money"/ asks for $60 weeks later/college incidents
$1k rent proposition gap semester
Blood Pressure Comment
5th grade comment
Jealousy over friend who crashed the gtr his father gave, says that guys like that are r**** in prison.
Neverending object oriented questions
- Do you need X
- Do you need Y
- Do you need z
- Do you need X (again over and over)
Housing situation antics, financials
Scared for me to use CC cause if I die, they will have to pay for it (which isn't true) and more lies like this to justify their fearmongering
"Your not supposed to have fun in college."/"[college, high school] is the best time of your life!"/All I do is stare at screens all day. "Good."
Didn't teach me how to approach women, just gave cologne and controlled my looks, hair, graduation picture
Admits to being broke as reason for rushing me out housing situation, no promises upheld; gets mad if I call them poor
"your dad is the best man I've ever met" / "you must struggle to be a man" - marsean friend, failed promises
Justifies beating me cause he needed to show me that "No one gives a fuck about you."
Both parents died before age of 5. Raised by her sister who wasn't nice at that time (if I overheard a conversation correctly). Black skin, born when civil rights act of 1964 passed, so dealing with racism
Emphasis on appearance (i.e house when others come over)
Taking arbitrary comments personally
Gaslighting on macrolevels ("I'll pay for your college" for 4 years, doesn't even have a semester saved when I got there)
"We're traditionalist parents"
College is entirely a trophy thing. She was mad that I went through the "acceptance process" (in reality, the part where you agree to terms and conditions) without her. Is mad about me not clicking a button or going through college acceptance SCREEN with her, rather than guiding me to choose the best college for my financial situation; cause feelings and status
Takes not going to college personally because she sees it as freedom and the first in her family. In reality, her bachelor's is in journalism. Her masters was granted after being scammed the University of Phoenix. We didn't even get the class action money. She is in school again…
Tells me I need degree for software industry, shames me for job searching without one. Gets better job while still doing her new degree. Still 50k debt. Still "broke".
"Take me with you." Incidents. Even when I explain that the place is hell on Earth (probably because I'll never be a normal person due to them).
When I did go to College, moved to a house with 3 bedrooms and all the noise despite my attempts to make music at the time. In the midst of the pandemic then gets mad at me when I'm angry there is no space because "your going to college". I have to sleep in a dry office with no AC next to a loud gas water heater (replaced a YEAR after 10 montha of constant complaining) because that makes too much noise. Basically, there is a disregard for any personal problems I have.
Very fearful (police and blacks, coronavirus vaccine for a variant that has no vaccine, etc) with no real solution. Ironic because I was sent back to a college with a 23% positivity rate. caught the sickness from father
Time I went to gym with friend at literally 8 o clock and she followed me all the way there
Same age respect thing
10 pounds validation
"don't be an artist, they have bad lives"
Does make an effort to talk, but only about stuff she wants to hear which is always school or work. Or her college work. Or her promotion… or her coworkers…
Not allowed to be sick/hurt
- Blamed for calf strain; a result of pushing myself too hard
- Blamed for shoulder strain; a result of pushing myself too hard
- Blamed for corona despite my Dad passing it to me
Won't tell me how much they make but bad with finances/handles finances "magically", can't take tooling advice
Applying me to apartments using my information by "saving" (read: withholding) my own legal documents, cause college dreams, bad leverage situations, housing situation
Asking how I will take care of her when she is older "don't forget where you came from"; but also stating that "I shouldn't live with them forever."
Saying that she - a medically obese woman with high blood pressure - will have to approve of the girl I date.
Asking me about women despite no help. Expects that I just get approached for being "handsome", which is how it works for women, not the other way around.
"Husband material", Thanksgiving dinner
Hair job table manners job control appearance job comments
Housing situation female employees grift
Turning my problems and making them hers; I can't complain cause others have it worse. Or totally other way not an issue due to hierarchy (ucentre, packages stolen)
Everyone of my events she takes for herself (graduation haircut, orientation, move-in)
Book comment medium
AC; always trying to control it when they are only supposed to be in my room for literally a .0x% of the day
Pissing blood situation
had a general lack of worth. no personality. no emotion (in music). I'm short. rejected for it early, Even girls that would show interest I would be hesitant due to that, me too gaslighting, and parents religious brainwashing. Friends didn't help there either… wonder why. cause i was shit at picking "friends" cause "friends" act like "family", right?
their traits -> https://youtu.be/cwuzgfFgLTM
Constant never ending expectation. No amount of thanks or gratefulness sorry giving of fortune will satisfy them. No one is ever proud of me. unless they are proud of themselves.
Treatment of strangers is better than me
Negativity. Paranoia. Approach to death. i'm not suicidal, though.
listening for footsteps and hearing; tiring due to fathers addiction to make noise
Diminishing my problems
They spent literally 3 hours going over how they are gonna make sure my sister takes some specific class. Then they did that the next day and the next. Endless power tripping
Using my social security number without asking
"You think your better than me" Projection
"We're doing what's best for you" ends up benefiting them at my expense
Never messaging or calling me unless it's about school, care more about school than me, fake institution created by humans to pat themselves on the back for doing nothing but reading words
apparently these things aren't what normal families are like, so that's why I'm not normal
Doomed to fail lifegraph d2
Easiest way to deal with them is not to. im a "grey rock". There is a reason they have a limited amount of new friends here. I wouldn't be their friends if I didn't know them. Mom is at least somewhat caring and has good food. I don't look forward to interactions with my dad but he "loves me" cause i did everything he asked. Well up to now at least.
There is a general lack of respect for who I am as a person. I'm not one to those people.
Whenever I'm around them I have to act like a child; silly or silent because otherwise something will go to shit. If you don't play whatever role they put you in, you experience the above. that's why it happened less recently... It gets tiring having to act constantly 24/7 to maintain basic necessities. This is the main reason I decided to monetize my traumas… To escape the madness. But it didn't work
now i just write so i dont forget
I hope my sister is safe and turns out normal. she has friends, socially smarter, more attractive, woman. so there's more hope for her. I try to help her regardless but it's hard and i messed up myself a few times and maybe contributed to issues she has and vice versa. but not really, anything she did doesn't effect me anymore. I don't know how she will feel that I left, but after 2 years of scanning this is likely my only shot to escape. She can still contact me anyways. So maybe one day she can forgive me but I can accept if she thinks I'm a loser.
"Ns really only understand dominance and one upsmanship. They perceive respect only in the sense of deference or submission. Their world is strictly hierarchical. They perceive giving respect as elevating the other person above themselves in the hierarchy, or as abasing themselves at someone else's feet.
Ns are people who have failed to complete some basic developmental tasks that normally happen in early childhood. Yet at the same time they have an adult level of knowledge or analytical ability. So this is hard to see.
Emotionally, they see everything in the world as "me" and "not-me." They don't experience intimacy or relationships, they experience someone as being an extension of themselves, like an arm or a leg. When someone they see as an extension acts independently or thinks in unexpected ways, they view this as like a sedition or rebellion. That's why Ns are always calling people "crazy." It seems crazy to them when people have their own perspectives, because deep down at the basic emotional level, the N only believes that their own perspective is real."
no winning no matter what i would have done https://youtu.be/vnSiJOOdo30
relating to themselves in the most subtle ways
More than being selfish
It's all about control
when i "ran away" i feel like all my issues are solved, or just not that big of a deal. life doesn't have to be so hard, and maybe one day i can be normal again